|Woulda been better off in here (or under here)|
So yesterday started off wrong - I was woken up twice during the night, once by the alarm clock that Judah likes to play with, and once, a few hours later, by a wet child. After cleaning him off and suggesting he go back to sleep in his bed, I was forced to invite him to sleep with me (Dan's been staying at our house because it's closer to work in the morning), so as to avoid waking the rest of the house. I NEVER co-slept with Judah. When he was an infant, I would wake at the slightest sigh or snort or hiccup, and while we've shared a room on more than one occasion, having our own space within that room is essential to ensure sleeping takes place.
Yes, essential. I regretted my invite soon after I offer the option to him. His head was on my back, his fingers all up in my sleeping cap (remember, I'm still quite scalpy and it gets cold at night). Not a whole lot of quality sleep was happening. Needless to say, I woke up pretty grumpy.
I went to see my therapist at PAH, who is wonderful and totally gets me (after only 4 sessions). It often feels like she's the only one who does - and she's not a survivor, but specializes in working with cancer patients, so my emotions aren't unfamiliar to her. It was a helpful session and I left (albeit puffy-eyed) feeling reassured that needing to maintain a constant positive attitude was not a requirement for beating cancer.
Once again, I headed to Chapterhouse (my favorite coffeeshop in our old neighborhood) and met a friend for a quick drink and bite. It was nice to talk like real adults, even if only for a short time, before I had to get back to our neck of the woods to pick up Judah from school. On my way there, I got into a fender bender and totally lost my mind. When I called the police to report the accident, I was so upset the officer said (in an effort to calm me down), "Ma'am, haven't you heard about the no-crying-on-76 law?"
Luckily no children were in either cars and the damage was minimal to none. Today I can see how things could've been worse. But yesterday all I could think was how nothing has been going right - cancer, fertility struggles, Judah's renal scan, recovery from treatment. At every turn there's a car that needs to be replaced, or a kitchen that's taking FOREVER and a day to get done, insensitive comments, a bill that got buried under the mess in our house and is going to incur a late fee... You name it, we've had to deal with it in the past 6 months. I'm now ready for the black cloud to move on.
Today has been a bit better and less traumatizing. I had a relaxing massage this morning and my whole body still smells like shea butter and honey. Judah is napping and I am waiting for the arrival of our new over-the-range microwave (to be hopefully installed next week). The sun is shining and we're back in our house. Although my appetite is still not normal (after all, what is?), I am going to go have a snack of spicy tuna roll, a mini pumpkin cupcake, and maybe a potato chip or two.