Monday, October 3, 2011

Working Girl

Apparently, my little cancer vacation* is over.

Tomorrow, begins the next phase.  As to which number this is, I have lost count.  September 30 was another milestone:  the 1 year anniversary of the end of chemo.  Certainly happy to be here, I am jumbled aplenty with other emotions on this eve of my first day of school/work.

There's guilt.  A healthy dose that has grown from feeling slightly responsible for getting sick - and putting on hold the lives of many people who love me, scarring my child permanently, losing a few years of my life to being ill and getting on the road to wellness - into self-blame for any and all of Judah's developmentally appropriate anxieties.  Yes, I would say there's guilt.

There's fear.  Change is scary.  Perchance for others it's exciting.  A thrill.  For me, not so much.  I like: routine, sameness, knowing what to expect, to do lists.  I do not like: surprises, unknown, uncertain future.  I am aware that life is chock full of unknowns, I just prefer to limit them to as few as humanly possible (Dan forbids palm readings).

There's nausea.  A better term is vomitous.  Similar feeling to right before going onstage to perform.  A mixture of nervousness, anxiety and excitement (although we are a tad light on the excitement, heavy on the anxiety).

I realize that once I get going, things will be fine and dandy.  It's like riding a bike.  I'm getting back in the saddle.  It's all for the best.

Happy New Year
Honestly, I walked through Whole Foods today as if I would never see the inside of a grocery store again.  Partly, I am saying goodbye to a calm, more relaxed version of my life.  HA!  The past 16 months have been laced with illness, muscular atrophy, weight loss, weight gain, care packages, many many meals made with love, television debuts (local and international), reconnections with old friends, tears, laughs, hugs, new babies, new friends, new doctors, port in, port out, free trips within and outside of the continental US, beach days, baldness, invisible sunburns, new kitchen, handmade quilts, magic mineral broth, a happy chair, homemade watermelon juice, acupuncture, meditation class, pills, allergic reactions, ER visits, youtube videos, books, neverending thinking-of-you cards**...

The list goes on and on and on...

And tomorrow, I suppose, so does my life.

*credit to Christian Fusco
**Laurie Myers, I'm lookin at you!


  1. And just for added luck and love, your dervishes are whirling!!! Enjoy!!!

  2. We're very glad. And we must admit proud. Thinking of you with the children and
    looking forward to hear you tell it.
    Love you so, GG and Uncle Larry

  3. Mia, there was a reason you were sent on this long sucky road, but now you have reached the end of that road and are BACK on the road you left, that will show the suckers you are a WINNER. Knowing you are your mother I knew you would get through this BS.

  4. I shall remain anonymous but I want you to know that you have no idea how many peoples lives you have touched and continue to do so. Keep that chin up whenever you can, we are all with you and you are not alone.

  5. Thanks, Anonymous. I respect your privacy, but want you to know I appreciated your comment immensely. Much love to you.