Tomorrow, begins the next phase. As to which number this is, I have lost count. September 30 was another milestone: the 1 year anniversary of the end of chemo. Certainly happy to be here, I am jumbled aplenty with other emotions on this eve of my first day of school/work.
There's guilt. A healthy dose that has grown from feeling slightly responsible for getting sick - and putting on hold the lives of many people who love me, scarring my child permanently, losing a few years of my life to being ill and getting on the road to wellness - into self-blame for any and all of Judah's developmentally appropriate anxieties. Yes, I would say there's guilt.
There's fear. Change is scary. Perchance for others it's exciting. A thrill. For me, not so much. I like: routine, sameness, knowing what to expect, to do lists. I do not like: surprises, unknown, uncertain future. I am aware that life is chock full of unknowns, I just prefer to limit them to as few as humanly possible (Dan forbids palm readings).
There's nausea. A better term is vomitous. Similar feeling to right before going onstage to perform. A mixture of nervousness, anxiety and excitement (although we are a tad light on the excitement, heavy on the anxiety).
I realize that once I get going, things will be fine and dandy. It's like riding a bike. I'm getting back in the saddle. It's all for the best.
|Happy New Year|
The list goes on and on and on...
And tomorrow, I suppose, so does my life.
*credit to Christian Fusco
**Laurie Myers, I'm lookin at you!