Thursday, October 27, 2011

Relaxi Taxi

1 Year End of Chemo anniversary.  Much hairier.  Much warmer.
I am about to embark on a new adventure.  Believe it or not, I have never ever taken a muscle relaxer before.  5:30 this morning I was woken up by a strange pain in my back, behind my left shoulder blade (aka scapula).  My first thought was that it was the same type of pain as I had last year after biopsy #2 angered the beastly tumor in my chest.  I had some wacky spasms that caused labor-like pains in my back and shoulder. 

Luckily, these pains were not quite that severe, but they were not pleasant. 

Fast forward a trip to the doctor's office and some tylenol later, turns out there's just a king-sized knot in my muscle.  Scrip faxed over to the pharmacy and I'm instructed to take one at bedtime.  Until then, nsaids (non-steroid anti-inflammatory drugs - advil, aleve, etc.) and heat, heat and more heat. 

I've been waiting patiently all afternoon for bedtime to arrive, so I can take my brand new relaxer and be on my merry way.  That's my story today. 

I am avoiding discussion of work until further notice.  Just know I am exhausted at the thought.  But tomorrow's another day and then, of course, comes Halloween, every teacher's nightmare.

Hopefully, someday soon, I will have enough mojo to write more in-depth about my survivor life. 


PS. Check in again soon for a full report on the Light the Night Walk.  Big success.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Working Girl

Apparently, my little cancer vacation* is over.

Tomorrow, begins the next phase.  As to which number this is, I have lost count.  September 30 was another milestone:  the 1 year anniversary of the end of chemo.  Certainly happy to be here, I am jumbled aplenty with other emotions on this eve of my first day of school/work.

There's guilt.  A healthy dose that has grown from feeling slightly responsible for getting sick - and putting on hold the lives of many people who love me, scarring my child permanently, losing a few years of my life to being ill and getting on the road to wellness - into self-blame for any and all of Judah's developmentally appropriate anxieties.  Yes, I would say there's guilt.

There's fear.  Change is scary.  Perchance for others it's exciting.  A thrill.  For me, not so much.  I like: routine, sameness, knowing what to expect, to do lists.  I do not like: surprises, unknown, uncertain future.  I am aware that life is chock full of unknowns, I just prefer to limit them to as few as humanly possible (Dan forbids palm readings).

There's nausea.  A better term is vomitous.  Similar feeling to right before going onstage to perform.  A mixture of nervousness, anxiety and excitement (although we are a tad light on the excitement, heavy on the anxiety).

I realize that once I get going, things will be fine and dandy.  It's like riding a bike.  I'm getting back in the saddle.  It's all for the best.

Happy New Year
Honestly, I walked through Whole Foods today as if I would never see the inside of a grocery store again.  Partly, I am saying goodbye to a calm, more relaxed version of my life.  HA!  The past 16 months have been laced with illness, muscular atrophy, weight loss, weight gain, care packages, many many meals made with love, television debuts (local and international), reconnections with old friends, tears, laughs, hugs, new babies, new friends, new doctors, port in, port out, free trips within and outside of the continental US, beach days, baldness, invisible sunburns, new kitchen, handmade quilts, magic mineral broth, a happy chair, homemade watermelon juice, acupuncture, meditation class, pills, allergic reactions, ER visits, youtube videos, books, neverending thinking-of-you cards**...

The list goes on and on and on...

And tomorrow, I suppose, so does my life.

*credit to Christian Fusco
**Laurie Myers, I'm lookin at you!