Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The Waiting

The Tom Petty song was on the radio this morning, pre-scan, and I caught myself thinking about how much worse my anxiety levels would be post-scan.  If I am able to tune out what is taking place during the scan, I am able to just focus inwards and pretend it's not real.  I never had cancer, don't have cancer, this isn't me, not really happening.

Afterwards, upon further reflection, it's more difficult to convince myself that I'm not living my own life.  So I treat myself - offer congratulations that I have moved through the motions of yet another scary day.  Dan says we're one day closer.  Closer to what?  I don't know.  An answer?  Feeling relief?  The future?

The problem with getting closer to the future, is all of the uncertainty that lies just beyond tomorrow.  I know I must sound like a broken record, but it's the not-knowing that really does me in.  I can handle bad news, tough situations, if only I have the time to figure out how.  Part of me really misses sitting on my living room couch with my curriculum books spread out all around the computer, writing up all of my plans for the week ahead.  I get to control every single day in small compartments of 30-45 minutes each.  It's glorious.  And even though every day does not go as planned (usually because we can't accomplish every single thing I set out to do), there are always goals to meet, places to visit that I've planned out in advance.

I don't mind a pre-announced assembly or a fire drill, even though they interrupt our instructional time, because I have seen the future of these activities and they are familiar to me.  I like familiar, a well-loved routine.  I can curl up with the final Harry Potter book for the 6th time and read it like the first (mostly because there are too many details to keep track of).  In fact, that's the most comforting distraction when I am feeling pushed way out onto the ledge of unfamiliarity, into a lake of uncertainty - with nothing to hold onto. 

post-scan pizza: nori, daikon radish, avocado, wasabi and pickled ginger
I am a good swimmer - my mother, the former lifeguard, taught me well.  But steady breathing is kind of essential.  Without it, wipeout.

As we wait for the results of today's scan, I am both watching an old Harry Potter movie and reading the final novel - with excitement for the final movie.  It's the best alternate universe where I know what is coming around every bend, and where I can fantasize about everything being under magical control.

PS.  It's official:  according to my cardiologist today, I do have inappropriate sinus tachycardia.  Inappropriate, alright.  Cause: unknown (his hypothesis is that it's just my heart's reaction to the stress of treatment).  Continue taking beta blockers to improve status.


1 comment:

  1. When I saw Tom Petty in your post "I'll probably feel a whole lot better when your gone" popped into my head. You are going to be done with this madness soon- you are amazing and badass!