As we are now in the thick of Round 3 (DING!), Day 5, and approaching the dreaded Day 7 drama, I thought it would be an appropriate time to tell it like it is. Many people have emailed and snail mailed me such encouraging words that have helped me feel brave and capable of getting through this long stretch of road. And many people have used the word "inspiration" to describe me, which I feel is quite a fallacy. So I am here to set the record straight.
There is a lot of nausea. Moving my body sucks (especially my head from side to side). Constipation rocks (although it's not a whole lot different from my life B.C. - before cancer).
Sometimes I'm too tired to answer a question using words and must resort to sign language. And of course, for those of you who wouldn't have already suspected this, plenty of tears. I have requested a fast forward button and a new tummy on a daily basis. I miss being normal. I want to want to eat healthy foods, but I must often resort to pickles (see side photo of when Dan redeemed himself from the vlasic fiasco - they must be claussen spears) and lemon drops. I try to utilize my sense of humor when at all possible, but it becomes difficult when my body should be eating and drinking and even water tastes bad. Remember how "edgy" I can get when hungry?I'm not complaining, exactly. I know it could be worse. There are many people in the world for whom treatment is not an option. In the grand scheme of things, this chemo will end and I will hopefully go back to some kind of normal life (stay tuned for that blog - HA!). My appetite will return and I will open that juicer and give liquid kale my best try.
However. This really sucks. I have posted pictures here of smiling faces and happy playdoh lambs, but reserved the angry, pissed off pictures for my iphone. And believe me, there are plenty of those (also some ugly ones of my biopsy scars from the beginning when I was feeling like Frankenstein). There are lots of times when my mind wanders and bounces back and forth between what my future looks like and why I felt so blindsided by this whole experience. And yes, there's always, "WHY ME?" What did I eat? Breathe? Touch? Do in a former life to deserve this?
So, yes this week is tough. I'm getting through it with you guys and all of your amazing pick-me-ups. Snuggling with Judah. Working on my children's book (the pickins are slim for kids who have parents with cancer, let me tell you). My crazy supportive family, catering to my any and every culinary whim, requests for back tickles or even refraint from watching baseball in front of me (thank you, Daddy).Believe it or not, chicken parm sandwiches (ask my dad for a funny story about conducting an impromptu taste test in the Glenside area) and yes, more freaking Taco Bell have been consumed in my very recent past.
Hence, I'm not so sure about "inspiration". But I do wholeheartedly appreciate the vote of confidence.
I totally get your motivation for writing this post. You're "just" doing what you have to do. But, you're doing it gracefully, eloquently and bravely. Let us all compliment you. It's the least we can do aside from opening a taco/chicken parm stand on your block.
ReplyDeleteOK, you aren't inspiring, we'll make a note.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, sweet, you see that you aren't relying on your self, and there is a limit to
the power of those surrounding you.
Maybe that's where the "inspiration" is.
We all fear the lack of control, and people may sense this "other" force at work.
To those not suffering as you are, it is
the face to face with that "other",
and the surviving of that. That's also
called "Torah". You are telling one of
the type of story that is in that
book, and "you inspire me", may be
"I am awed" by that "other force".
I doubt I know what I'm talking about, that's what's fun about blogs! May the horse (oops, I meant FORCE)
be with you, sweet.
Love, your funky unky
This kids book is interesting to me. Give me a call/email when you're feeling up to it. There are a few things in this world that I know a lot about, and writing and publishing kids books is one of them. The other is how to peel an orange. I'm really awesome at peeling oranges.
ReplyDeleteInspiration is indeed one of those Mother Teresa-esque words. But for mere mortals, inspiration is determination, humor, power, sassiness, bravery, force and tears, laced with grace, when confronting a miserably difficult stretch. That's why you're inspiring!
ReplyDeleteInspiration???? Crap - you're a freakin' boatload of it :) Not that you have to DO anything, just the fact that you're smiling and blogging is quite enough - - - - really! If you need an editor for your book, I'm happy to do either preliminary stuff or the galleys for you. I'll get Howie to tell me about the taste testing in Glenside (sorry I wasn't available to take part!!!!).
ReplyDeleteStay strong, girlie :) We're out here prayin' for you.