Saturday, July 31, 2010
As we are now in the thick of Round 3 (DING!), Day 5, and approaching the dreaded Day 7 drama, I thought it would be an appropriate time to tell it like it is. Many people have emailed and snail mailed me such encouraging words that have helped me feel brave and capable of getting through this long stretch of road. And many people have used the word "inspiration" to describe me, which I feel is quite a fallacy. So I am here to set the record straight.
There is a lot of nausea. Moving my body sucks (especially my head from side to side). Constipation rocks (although it's not a whole lot different from my life B.C. - before cancer). Sometimes I'm too tired to answer a question using words and must resort to sign language. And of course, for those of you who wouldn't have already suspected this, plenty of tears. I have requested a fast forward button and a new tummy on a daily basis. I miss being normal. I want to want to eat healthy foods, but I must often resort to pickles (see side photo of when Dan redeemed himself from the vlasic fiasco - they must be claussen spears) and lemon drops. I try to utilize my sense of humor when at all possible, but it becomes difficult when my body should be eating and drinking and even water tastes bad. Remember how "edgy" I can get when hungry?
I'm not complaining, exactly. I know it could be worse. There are many people in the world for whom treatment is not an option. In the grand scheme of things, this chemo will end and I will hopefully go back to some kind of normal life (stay tuned for that blog - HA!). My appetite will return and I will open that juicer and give liquid kale my best try.
However. This really sucks. I have posted pictures here of smiling faces and happy playdoh lambs, but reserved the angry, pissed off pictures for my iphone. And believe me, there are plenty of those (also some ugly ones of my biopsy scars from the beginning when I was feeling like Frankenstein). There are lots of times when my mind wanders and bounces back and forth between what my future looks like and why I felt so blindsided by this whole experience. And yes, there's always, "WHY ME?" What did I eat? Breathe? Touch? Do in a former life to deserve this?
So, yes this week is tough. I'm getting through it with you guys and all of your amazing pick-me-ups. Snuggling with Judah. Working on my children's book (the pickins are slim for kids who have parents with cancer, let me tell you). My crazy supportive family, catering to my any and every culinary whim, requests for back tickles or even refraint from watching baseball in front of me (thank you, Daddy).
Believe it or not, chicken parm sandwiches (ask my dad for a funny story about conducting an impromptu taste test in the Glenside area) and yes, more freaking Taco Bell have been consumed in my very recent past.
Hence, I'm not so sure about "inspiration". But I do wholeheartedly appreciate the vote of confidence.