Me as Film Critic

I am probably incapable of being objective.  I am too easily moved by (or attached to) things I read or watch or hear about, most books and movies included.  Know this before going all crazy over my movie review.  PS. Spoiler alert - I may give away some things that happen in the movie.  I promise to only mention parts that were fairly predictable in the first place.  If you want to watch it with fresh eyes and ears, come back and read this post afterwards - I'd love to discuss the film with you.

Went to see 50/50 tonight.  It was a free screening (aaawww, yeah!) slash date night for me and Dan.  Dinner in the car en route to the theater near UPenn, parking karma led us to a spot directly in front of the end of the line to get in.  Perfecto.  I held a spot in line (they fill up the theater and turn everyone else away), while Dan ate his dinner in the car.  A cute boy was in line behind me and gave me a smile, asking if I was in line to see 50/50 - he was just making sure he was in the right place.   Ok, maybe he wasn't trying to pick me up, per SE, but he was easy on the eyes, so let's say (for fun's sake) that he was.  Makes the story more interesting.

Went in, found an empty neck-stretcher seat 4 rows back from the screen, and got ready for a packed theater movie.  Luckily, it seemed that most of our fellow movie goers enjoyed a quiet space with no distractions during the screening, so while I braced myself for annoying college kids with no manners, I was pleasantly surprised to watch the whole movie with only 2 annoying call-outs.

I, on the other hand, was already crying by the opening credits, where the main character (Adam) is running by the river, blissfully unaware of the imminent insanity.  It continues to blow my mind how clueless I was before we started down this path; I immediately feel for someone experiencing it all for the first time, even if they are a slightly fictional character.  There were a few other moments - his diagnosis (the world around him goes totally fuzzy), when a chemo-buddy passes away and Adam is actually faced with death, or as he is scanned and consequently set to find out the results - that I felt like, "yeah, that's just what it looks like." Or, "see what I mean?  That really sucked."  But Seth Rogen was there for comic relief, and there is some romantic plot thrown in for those of us who hate to see an adorable (and wounded) guy feel so lonely.

It was the kind of film that got me to reflect on my own experience last year (and now) and I would watch it again, privately, for the chance to make even more connections.  I appreciated the fact that while Adam/Will was very different from me personality-wise, the stages of his emotional acceptance (if that's how one should coin it) were very similar to mine (we did not think about death right away - that came later).  The shock of the diagnosis lasted well into my third round of chemo.  What's more is that his experience was different enough from mine that I didn't have to see myself in every scene.  He insists on facing much of his ordeal on his own.  Lucky for me, that was never an issue. 

Clearly, I could go on for a while - and I'd love to discuss it with any fellow screeners - but I don't want to give too much away.  I do want you to see it.  The movie was honest and straightforward, while still retaining some Hollywood qualities. 

I would give it a two thumbs up.  I would be surprised if people did not react to this film, though.  Dan and I were discussing people's motives for going to see a movie like this (aside from it being a free screening).  Does the trailer make it seem like a cancer comedy?  Are there people who genuinely want to know what it's like to get cancer (and do they think that by watching this movie they will actually know)?  I'm curious (and I realize I'm putting this out there to a bunch of people reading a cancer blog) - are you interested?  Would you go to see this movie?  Why or why not?  (5 pts.)

xxoo

PS.  Joseph Gordon-Levitt is frickin adorable.  At the very least, looking at his dimples for a few hours is time well spent.

50/50

As if.  As if I could keep a secret.

Many apologies for my absence the past few weeks.  Medically speaking, not much is new today, but the month of August was eventful to say the least.  I realize that's a tease, but that's okay by me since there has to be something new to read when the book comes out.

Meanwhile, we've survived an earthquake, a hurricane and tornado warnings this past week (along with most of the East Coast) and have been rewarded with a cool, crisp evening, crickets peacefully chirping outside.  Not that I would welcome anymore rain, but it does tend to drive away that marching band...

Tonight I broke my no sugar rule and made cookie dough (if you roll it into little balls and freeze them, you can have warm, homemade cookies in 10 minutes whenever you please).  They are made with whole wheat flour and organic sugar, blah blah blah - they're still chocolate chip cookies.  The best part about them is you can just cook them until they're almost finished and eat them hot and gooey.  Tomorrow, back on the wagon.  All this being trapped indoors thing (yes, it was only about 24 hours) made me want to eat sugar.

School starts soon and I am trying my hardest to be ready by October.  I push myself to take walks and to try to cook (pancakes for breakfast, anyone?).  I know I need to be ready to move - like, a lot - if I'm going back to the classroom.  I try to monitor my heart rate and note when it's racing to see if there's any connection to something I did or ate.  So far, no dice.  The holter I wore a few weeks ago showed a slight decrease in my heart rate since taking the beta blocker (previous time my avg. bpm was 105, this time it was 92).  While that is definitely a step in the right direction, it does nothing for my dizziness (or lightheadedness) but increase it, as it decreases my blood pressure.  What's more, my heart rate jumped up to 148 a few times (once after taking a zantac - the most gentle of acid reducers around).  What the heck?

Nevertheless, I couldn't resist getting new folders and labels and copybooks and pencils and glue sticks for my maybe kids this year.  Last August there was not a chance in all of Atlantic City that I was headed back to school in September as I was busy with rounds 5 and 6 of chemo.  This year is a different story.  I am still recovering, though, and I wish I could just hurry up and heal my insides back to normal.  Or at least, whatever my permanent normal is going to look like.  You know how this uncertainty does a number on my anxiety.

What can I do to take an active role in my recovery, when what my body needs most is time?  I've put myself on a series of vitamins (recently including an excellent probiotic) and supplements intended to reduce inflammation and restore immunity and wellness.  I try to take a walk (usually with the dog) every day that the sky or the Earth is not rockin and rollin.  I try to distract myself or do some meditation (does a long bath count?) or maybe read a trashy magazine in an attempt to let my shoulders drop down below my neck.

I know I can't rush things.

This week should be an interesting one.  I have my 6th (please be final) cavity to be filled, some blood work and acupunture to attend to, though not simultaneously.  Then, next week I have my first PET scan since March.  I am absolutely convinced it is not going to go well.  This is how I do things, people, I must expect the worst possible news so that I can be pleasantly surprised if I find out I am wrong. 

My experience involved a lot more tears.

Last week, I was sure I had stomach cancer and also probably some kidney cancer thrown in too.  I wonder if I will ever reach a point where I will have a stomachache and NOT think it's cancer.  I also wonder what the odds are that I maybe DO have stomach cancer.

This Tuesday, Dan and I are going to an advanced screening of 50/50, the upcoming movie about being a young adult diagnosed with cancer (based upon Will Reiser's experience with spinal cancer).  I am slightly nervous about keeping it together - aw, hell, I will surely not be able to keep it together - and not making a complete scene in the theater.  But I am looking forward to the cleansing aspect of it, that I even get from watching the trailers, that says I have been where you are, the stages, the baldness, the being sick and sick of it all.  While I wouldn't wish any of this on another person, it's nice to know that someone else understands.

Wouldn't this be awesome?

I'm off to sip my fresh watermelon mint juice (thanks to Dan and the amazing Breville c/o Michali and Jimmy).  Nighty-night.

xxoo