Monday, June 20, 2011

Good, Bad, Ugly

smirky?  it is supposed to be a smile ~
The good news is Judah is wonderful.  He is happy and healthy (fingers crossed) and just simply the best.

The bad news is that Dr. Henry does not know what to make of my scan.  He took it to his radiologist and pulmonologist and while they have different theories (fungal infection? lymphoma in the lung?), they both agree that they need to get a closer look.  This means I am going in for a bronchoscopy.  It is still not scheduled, but I am hoping it will be done in the next 3 minutes.

No, really, this brings me to the ugly.  The waiting.  The waiting is absolute torture.  I have been thinking about this since 6:30 pm on Friday - anticipating the absolute worst news:  it's back. And, there won't be any news until we get the bronchoscopy done.  AND, I can't even get it scheduled until the pulmonary guy gets into the office at 1 pm and hopefully calls me straight away.

Of course, this is all happening exactly 1 year after the initial diagnosis hit.  Remembering back to the waiting period last year, I remember just trying not to vomit, pretty much 24/7.  But I was just dazed.  I had no idea what was in store.  Sadly, now I know.  Not only do I know, but I am thoroughly nauseated by the thought of starting all over again.  I have hair, for Pete's sake. We were just starting to pull ourselves out of the hole. 

I have NO desire to have another summer like last year.  I mean, I will do what needs to be done, but I won't like it.  Remember when I was looking for the fast forward button?  I realize I stopped asking about it, but if there's anyone who has located it, we would all really like to get on with our trip to Hawaii, thank you very much.  Speaking of which, to pack or not to pack?  Do I prepare myself for the possibility that we will not be able to go?  Or do I keep my chin up, expecting to proceed as planned (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.)?

We kept busy this weekend, venturing on 2 day trips, to the beach and then to Lancaster, to see Thomas the Tank Engine (of PBS and literary fame).  It definitely helps to be distracted, but at a certain point, the task is virtually impossible.  So after a trip to the craft store to get projects (to keep Judah busy, at the very least), I am now an hour away from potentially hearing from the next doctor.

***Status Update***
Since composing the above portion of this post, much communication has transpired (along with some pharmaceutical assistance).  I am now scheduled for a bronchoscopy to take place Wednesday morning (first thing) and we will hopefully get back preliminary results by Thursday afternoon.  Dr. H (rads onc) left me a message that he continues to believe that the spot in my lower left lobe is still lung inflammation.  While that's reassuring, I'm not convinced.  The anxiety level is way through the roof, although having a few of the details nailed down does help a teensy bit.

I'm off to snuggle up with my new Whole Living mag and maybe a few chapters of Bossypants (I'm trying to make it last) on the iPad.  May the next 72 (or so) hours pass super duper flash lightning fast.

yes, oatmeal.  with my special green powder, almond milk, peaches and blueberries mixed in:  Oatmeal.  how can someone who eats this for breakfast have cancer??


  1. Not only are you a survivor, you are a true Warrior! You are amazing!

  2. We are all here with you 100% with love and support!!!

  3. Bossy Pants is a good choice- I read it 2 times in a row the last month of school because I couldn't risk reading a disappointing book. I am praying and sending you ass kicking love for this week! You will win this battle. Love you.

  4. Love hugs and prayers to the most amazing mom I know!!! Anything I can do-- please let me know!!

  5. Posted a comment earlier but not seeing it, so once again. I'm with Dr. Henry- inflamed lungs. And I'm with your mama--you all ARE going to Hawaii. And to ease the anxiety, it's time to download the Learning To Hula tutorial and staring swaying those hips, waving the hands and nodding every so gently as you side step across the imaginary beach, lulling yourself into an altered state that the Whirling Dervishes would appreciate. And of course, you're wrapped in our circle of love. XoXo