|the view across the building of the chemo unit. blech.|
I am trying to distract myself while waiting on a return call from Dr. Henry. Knowing I shouldn't be holding my breath (not that I could if I wanted to), I would really like to hear something good. While waiting for results, the mind (my mind) tends to create potential scenarios to prepare for any number of words to be heard over the phone. Here are some of them:
Option #1: We've looked over the scan and found you are no longer in remission. Pls report to the hospital immediately so we can begin your stem cell transplant.
Option #2: Upon looking at the scan, and hearing about your persistent symptoms, we believe it's in your best interest to begin a loooooooong regimen of prednisone (aka pukey p) to relieve the inflammation in your lungs. This will be at least 5 months. You will gain 50 pounds and become a royal P.I.T.A. (or, as they say, irritable).
Option #3: We think the lymphoma is okay (without a PET, we can't say for certain), but we believe you are now suffering from Orthostatic Intolerance/Tachycardia. You may continue to feel tired, lightheaded, poopy and just "off" indefinitely.
Option #4: No call (current state). Continued waiting and worrying, creating my own diagnoses via Google search box in upper righthand corner of my screen.
I am sick of possible scenarios.
I am sick of waiting, of bad news, of disappointment.
I am sick of feeling sick, of fatigue, of being a patient.
I am sick of cancer, of people dying, of grief, of people worrying, of uncertainty, of living in fear, of not being able to enjoy the moment.
My positive spin comes in the form of giggles, songs and squeals.
ps. If anyone reading this is able to get Dr. Henry to call back any faster, your pull would be much appreciated right now.