|My Little Lion|
Tonight as we finished up dinner, Judah was hosting his evening comedy routine on the microphone. He brings the mike around to Dan and I while we're sitting at the table and asks us to introduce ourselves to the "audience". Dan was silly, cracking the kid up. He was so happy and we were all giggling and enjoying the moment.
And then (and then, and gentlemen and then...*name that Broadway show). And then the Evil Mr. Grinch comes a-sneaking into my consciousness, refusing to allow me the pleasure of pure happiness. He snivels at me, reminding me that too much pleasure, too much happiness is dangerous. "Ah, ah, ah," he warns, "watch how wide you smile there, Lady, for you will smile your way into a deep pile of doo doo."
That really pisses me off. I know I made a point a few years ago to eliminate the word should from my spoken vocabulary, but now it's rather impossible to cease using it altogether considering my altered circumstances. I should be able to enjoy a lovely moment with my family without a green goblin entering the scene and destroying my time. I should be able to watch my child laugh freely without a care in the world and not think about whether or not he's tempting fate, too. I should not constantly be thinking 10 steps down the road of doom when I can't even plan for the month of July.
Tomorrow I will be wearing a Holter monitor for 24 hours to get a better picture of how my tachycardia is behaving beyond the 4 seconds that the EKG machine records. I went to see a cardiologist last Friday, who diagnosed me with "sinus tachycardia", which basically means that there's no irregularity (that they've detected) in the rhythm of my heart, but the rate at which it beats is just elevated. This condition is always secondary to some other problem in the body; it's the heart's way of responding to another problem (like, say, inflamed tissue...). My poor heart thinks it has to work harder.
One solution (until the pneumonitis heals) may be to take a beta blocker to slow down my ticker. However, one complication is that this type of drug also lowers your blood pressure. I already have low blood pressure. We don't want to go too much lower. We will see what the Holter tells us (if anything new) and then make a decision. The past few weeks have been filled with doctor appointments and heat and humidity. I know my breathing is suffering because I physically cannot breathe in this soupy air (today's heat index was 96 degrees - ew). Apparently now I am considered in the "sensitive group" when it comes to air quality.
This is the first time I've prayed for a thunderstorm to come and give us a break from the heat.